Monday, August 26, 1991

Dear Diary,

Tonight me and Vicky my "butt buddie" tired smoking. Well it wasn't her first time but it was mine. I kind of liked it and didn't at first but it's cool and a lot of people do it. But it kills you. I like Mike P. a little. He's cute. I'm gonna say something like he's cute [at school] so I can go out with him. I'm very eager. I need a boyfriend. Right now I hate to say it but I think I'm addicted to smoking. I'm going crazy. I need a smoke. Even though I don't inhale it I need it (sort of). My body says yes but my mind says no. One more week and school starts. Can't wait!
Love,
Penni

Ah yes. That first cigarette. Vicky was indeed what everyone called my "butt buddie," since we were attached at the hip that summer. She now lives in Philly with her girlfriend. I don't necessarily remember what it was like to smoke that August, but I do remember feeling scared afterwards. I was afraid that I would be addicted and unable to control my urges for nicotine and because of this new, insatiable need for smoking, my parents would find out. Pretty silly. We're told all these horrible things about smoking and drinking, just these ridiculous scare tactics. I was afraid of what my parents, teachers, coaches would think of me if they knew that I was the kind of person who would even consider smoking. "Oh, she's one of those kinds of girls," they'd say and I'd cringe at the mere thought of it. Obviously no 11 year old should be smoking on a regular basis, but the fear of what would happen to me made me feel super crazy.

Oh, and I was "very eager," and "needed a boyfriend?" Notice how that's just mentioned in passing, in between my thoughts about the cigarettes. Why were boys always in the back of my mind? I had other things I was thinking about, but I guess the culture of my friends made me feel like I should have a boy I was obsessing over at all times. Judging from some of Kristen's entries, many of us felt that way...