A trilogy of entries recounting my first and second dates.

February 25, 1994

This is quick. I'm going out with her tomorrow! Our first official date! (My first, anyway.) I'm nervous, but really excited.

February 28, 1994

Hi. I'll tell you all about the date.
FIrst of all, she called on Friday, while I was skiing. I called her back when Brad was here. He did his job and acted hyper. (I wanted someone to be here.)
I called Chris and we settled it. We (Chris, Laura, me and her) were going to see Blank Check. (Hey, does it really matter what movie it was?)
My mom just thought I was going with Chris. To be continued.

April 10, 1994

I just wanted to watch the movie. I figured since it was our first date, I wouldn't have to do anything.
I didn't. But I was afraid to move because I knew she'd think I'd do something.
So I just sat there. She looked at me a few times for some reason. I think I know why.
I now have a miserable epilogue to our story.
About three weeks ago, she wanted to know if I wanted to go to the movies with a whole bunch of people. I said okay. It was all set.
We'd be going with Tom, Lara, Emily and Andrew. (Andrew was with Lara, Emily with Tom.)
We chatted until the movie started. The movie? Ace Ventura: Pet Detective. It might've been a step up from the last movie. Anyway, the movie started, and we all sat down. Now at this point, I'm totally freaked out. What do I do? What do I say?
That was all solved. I did nothing.
NOTHING! I FELT STUPID!!!!!
I mean, here's a girl I'm crazy about, she likes me too. I've had a crush on her for the last 18 months, but I can't put my freaking arm around her!
The movie continued, and Emily was almost hyperventilating from laughing so hard. The movie was funny, but no reason to get athsmatic.
Near the end, she tried to told my hand. I didn't hold hers. Why? Well, there's a quite simple response for that.
I HAVE NO FREAKING IDEA WHY!!!!
WHO KNOWS?
When I think about holding her hand I'm perfectly calm. But when it actually happens, I become a coward. Weird.
It was really never mentioned after that. Well, there was that one time in gym when we were running and Tom came up behind me and said, "You gotta at least put your arm around her."
Pressure sucks.

PS Emily and Tom broke up.
PPS Kurt Cobain died Friday. It was so strange. A month ago he was in a coma from drugs, and there were rumors that he was dead. Everyone was relieved when he recovered. But he shot himself just a couple days ago.

The bit about Cobain I already posted a couple of months ago.
This was about the girl I had lusted after forever, and my journal is mostly about her. (Her name continues to be kept confidential.)
Yeah, this whole episode, both parts, wasn't very fun. I had a huge fear of making any kind of move, and I didn't really understand it at the time, so I was really frustrated.
And to this day, I can't watch Ace Ventura without feeling like Tom (whose name, like all the others above, is real) is going to come up next to me. Maybe next time I can punch him in the face, because I could probably take a 14-year-old with no problems.

June 23, 1992

Hello there! How are ya? Let's see what did I do today? Oh yes! In the morning I worked in my garden. Around 4:30 me and Maria went to Wawa and 7-11 to get 90210 pictures. Wawa had nothing and 7-11 didn't either. But I did get a 17 and YM magazine. At ice skating my skates were so dull that that I couldn't do anything. I kept falling and I hurt my hip and knee. Then at night we watched He's My Girl, a really funny movie.

If I had 3 wishes they would be to meet the BH, 90210 cast and maybe be on the show, to play a 1 on 1 game with Michael Jordan, and then to asked if I was allowed to have 5 more wishes.

Tomorrow we are going to {my aunt's} house to go swimming. I can't wait. See ya man!!
Bye,
Penni

I worked in my garden?!? What was I, a 75 year old woman on summer vacation or a 12 year old girl? Oh wait, the 90210 obsession reveals the 12 year old. I confessed in another entry around this time that it was my dream to meet Luke Perry. I had similar celebrity crushes over the years... Michael J. Fox, some of the New Kids on the Block, and I may have transferred my affections from Luke to Jason Priestly at some point. These were the kind of celebrity crushes that ached. The kind where I really felt like, if given the chance, me and these guys would totally get along. I still feel that way about me and Luke Wilson.

Monday, August 26, 1991

Dear Diary,

Tonight me and Vicky my "butt buddie" tired smoking. Well it wasn't her first time but it was mine. I kind of liked it and didn't at first but it's cool and a lot of people do it. But it kills you. I like Mike P. a little. He's cute. I'm gonna say something like he's cute [at school] so I can go out with him. I'm very eager. I need a boyfriend. Right now I hate to say it but I think I'm addicted to smoking. I'm going crazy. I need a smoke. Even though I don't inhale it I need it (sort of). My body says yes but my mind says no. One more week and school starts. Can't wait!
Love,
Penni

Ah yes. That first cigarette. Vicky was indeed what everyone called my "butt buddie," since we were attached at the hip that summer. She now lives in Philly with her girlfriend. I don't necessarily remember what it was like to smoke that August, but I do remember feeling scared afterwards. I was afraid that I would be addicted and unable to control my urges for nicotine and because of this new, insatiable need for smoking, my parents would find out. Pretty silly. We're told all these horrible things about smoking and drinking, just these ridiculous scare tactics. I was afraid of what my parents, teachers, coaches would think of me if they knew that I was the kind of person who would even consider smoking. "Oh, she's one of those kinds of girls," they'd say and I'd cringe at the mere thought of it. Obviously no 11 year old should be smoking on a regular basis, but the fear of what would happen to me made me feel super crazy.

Oh, and I was "very eager," and "needed a boyfriend?" Notice how that's just mentioned in passing, in between my thoughts about the cigarettes. Why were boys always in the back of my mind? I had other things I was thinking about, but I guess the culture of my friends made me feel like I should have a boy I was obsessing over at all times. Judging from some of Kristen's entries, many of us felt that way...

Saturday, May 4, 1990

Dear Diary,

Tonight Chris said Joe really likes me. Should I go out with him again? After all he's been such a jerk to me. Maybe I just will go out with him again. What the hell? We were put here to take chances. If I do go out with him again what will happen? Will he break my heart a second time? I hope not.
Anyway, Casey is going out with Frank. Daria is such a dog or you could refrase that as a female dog (b---h). She told Brian that I got my period. Shouldn't I be mad at her? She uses people. She's ugly and has a really bad attitude problem.
See ya later.
Love,
Penni

Wiser, more mature, and menstruating, at 10, I offered myself comforting old wisdoms about chance-taking and "just going for it." I think I felt older than my friends when I got my period, like I had naturally passed them on some growing up track. Oooops, sorry girls! It's not my fault, it just happened!
This didn't mean, however, that I wanted the boys to know! So when Daria dared to tell Brian-- well, how could she? It was supposed to be a secret among girls. The boys weren't mature enough to understand what it was all about, what I was going through. No offense, but at 14 Dave was still freaking about kissing a girl, and at 10, I was confronted with the ability to make babies. Maybe this was my singular experience, but I felt like getting my period in 5th grade forced me to grow up real quick. What were boys doing in 5th grade? Playing kickball and eating their boogers (and some reading Tolstoy, right Dave?). I was playing kickball too, but I had to worry about my "hygeine products" malfunctioning.
It's a lot to take, that's all I'm saying.

Saturday, August 6, 1994

Dear journal,

I've got a problem. About what? Girls. No! Wait! Don't stop reading! I'm 14, and I've never kissed a girl. Is that pathetic? I don't know. I'd rather be friends with girls rather than "making out" with them. Everything just seems stupid.
Another problem. Summer's almost over. Well, not really. But it sure feels that way. I've tried to read A Tale Of Two Cities so I'm not completely lost in History, but it's BORING!!!

Is it pathetic? No, Dave, the fact that it would be two and a half more years is pathetic. But I digress.
It's pretty funny that I was simultaneously uninterested in kissing anyone and reading Dickens. I swear, I was 80 when I was 14.

January 27, 1989

Dear Diary,

Today was T.'s birthday. At the beginning of her party we played spin the bottle. I had to kiss Ryan, and he had to kiss me. Pam, the fucking stuck up asshole acted like Miss Mature. She is really asking for it! She thinks she is cool for making sex with Perry and lots of other boys. There was lots of kids from school. There was Ryan, Mary, Amy, Robyn, Mike, Amber, Linda, Shane and others. T. and R. went in a room downstairs and turned off the light and god knows what they did! They probably made sex!!! There were slow dances too. Practicaly all of the girls DID NOT have anyone to dance with.
In school my X-boyfriend, Kevin, kissed me. David B. came up to me and said, "Did he have soft lips? Where is he going to kiss you next?" He was pissing me off a lot. David B. also came to me and said, "Frankie wants to hump you." I said, "You're gross." He said, "It's true, go ask him."
Love,
Penny
ps. does Frankie LIKE me?


This must have been one of my first boy-girl parties. I was still 8 years old, I didn't turn 9 for two more months. What was I doing? I think I was allowed to go because T. is my cousin-- I'm sure my parents felt more comfortable letting me go to a family member's house for whatever party. I have vague recollections of the basement where this party was, with its blue walls and the flimsy, plywood-like doors between rooms. T. and her friends were all in 5th grade, so going to this party was probably a big deal for me. I can assure you no one was "making sex" as I put it, but probably just giving each other pecks on the mouth.

Going through my diary from this time, I'm surprised to see how much of it involves talk about "this boyfriend" or "that boyfriend." I think I was writing in my diary what I thought a girl SHOULD be writing in her diary. Crap about boys. I was never swoony-- but in the writing, I look boy crazy. I'll have to whip out a gem from 1996 or 1998 to show you how that shit didn't ever change. It's embarrassing, but the formative years weren't pretty, right?